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Epic mommy issues

September 2nd, 2012 (09:47 am)

I'm seriously sick of my mum at this stage. seriously. It's just ridiculous how much she absolutely refuses to listen to me.


Just a reminder, I'm 19, unemployed, starting college and completely dependent on her for everything I need, bar the odd bits Robert (my boyfriend) picks up for me. Robert absolutely hates her for so many reasons. In his opinion, she refuses to show him any respect whatsoever, he feels that she always has a problem anytime I want to do something and he's involved, she seems to invest no trust in me whatsoever. She's blunt, often to the point of being callous, and most of her remarks are demeaning or sarcastic, and he hates that.


Last night was Saturday. Every Saturday night I have the intention of staying over at Roberts house, because we usually only get to properly spend Sundays together. Of course, being the fucking whipped daughter I am, at 19 I'm still asking for permission to stay over at his. She was a young mother. When she was just 19 or 20, I was born. So she's constantly suspicious that I'll go over to his and come back pregnant. I've asked her to trust me and she claims she does, but every single week I get the lecture about coming back pregnant. And every single week it leaves me hurt and Robert insulted. We might be young, but we're trying to be as safe as possible if and when sex does happen. I'm organising a doctors appointment for wednesday to talk about other contraceptives.


I DON'T WANT THE PILL. I will never remember to take it every single day, and my female vanity fears it'll affect what good looks I have. Apparently the pill can cause acne and weight gain and obviously I don't want them, especially not the weight gain, I'm the perfect weight for my sparring category in tkd.


I need to talk to the doctor about it, without my mother there. She'll only make me feel selfconscious, nervous and completely stupid for being there, and I have visions of what'll happen.


I smile at the nurse and continue past, following my mother into the doctor's office. I sit in the chair as he asks what he can do for me. All eyes are on me. I shoot a glance at my mother and then the doctor armed open my mouth to speak. "She's thinking about the pill," my mother speaks for me. So apparently I'm a ventriloquist now and my mother can speak for me. When did that happen? and sheepish words from me will happen, apparently too retarded or inept to talk myself and suddenly I'm leaving the doctor's completely unsatisfied with a smug mother and a prescription I don't WANT.


She speaks for me like I'm a child. The other day I went for lunch with her. We both got soup, mine was cold. The waitress brought two glasses of water down and just as I was about to ask could I get it reheated my mother butts in and says it. and quite frankly I'm getting sick of it :-(


For college I plan to live at home and drive up. I've applied for a grant and it seems I'm entitled to get it. but apparently if I do get it, I won't get it at all. the other day she dropped a lovely little bombshell on me. "I hope you know that when the grant goes through you're giving it all to me." and of course she expects me to just say fine and hand her all of my grant money. Like, I have no problem giving her some, like if I'm entitled to 250 a month (which I'm prolly not) give her a good 50-100. Really, that's no problem, but the whole lot? Why don't you just put a collar on my neck, it'd serve the same purpose. I want to have some independence, rather than having to beg every time I want some money for something. And yes, I'm aware she had to pay for all of my college fees and buy me a car and insure it, but it seems like most people's parents did that unless there's an extraordinary situation. the car and insurance together cost 2000, and tax is only 86. I know petrol is expensive, but it won't cost me 2000 over the year. One of my friends is paying 4000 altogether for accommodation above in college. Over the year I'll still have to pay for tkd, phone credit and other little things, which I won't even be able to do because I won't see my grant money. Any time I'll want money for something I'll have to ask her, and then I get a lecture about how she has practically no money. it makes me sick.


I can't even go into what happened last night with her, because really I'm sick of it by now. I'm 19. I shouldn't have to feel like I'm a bad guy everytime I want to stay over in my boyfriend's house or need money.


Posted by: Cristabel (orangefriday)
Posted at: September 2nd, 2012 09:56 am (UTC)

20 year old here (threw away 19 this April) and I got to say, you probably have more freedom than I do. But I feel the independence though but it's because my values and definition of freedom is different than yours. And I would suppose your mother's opinion of how old is old enough is different as day to night from yours.

We just started being friends here on LJ so I don't have all the facts XD (Please forgive me if I do/assume anything wrong!) But, I'm going to pretend your mom is my mom and if I told her to trust me, and that I'm 19, and I will be safe because I'm smart and not stupid, she would not believe me. And say something like, "As long as you're under MY roof!!!! You follow MY rules!!!!"

And college is coming for you. Maybe once you start, she will SEE a little more of the adult you've become and could be.

Posted by: cliclir (cliclir)
Posted at: September 3rd, 2012 09:42 am (UTC)
jack thoughtful

Her opinion seems to be massively different than mine on the issue of age. I think she sees me as still naive as fuck and the like. Still though, it does annoy me that I'm left to stay over at friends' houses with little more than an hour's notice, but if I told her the day before about anything to do with Rob, she always takes the "You could have told me sooner" approach. While I'm laid back about it, he gets pretty offended and takes it to mean she just doesn't like him. and a year on, he still thinks the same and she still acts the same...

Haha I suppose everyone is different, but mums are always the same attitude wise, because she definitely has a "My house, my rules" approach when it suits her! She definitely doesn't believe that I fully intend to be smart about my relationship with him, maybe because she has an idea that all teenagers are rash and impulsive and stuff.. I don't know.. Still... I suppose mothers are yet another mystery of the world.

Yes, I fully intend on being mature and sophisticated and adult-like in college :P She does give me a lot of freedom, and she does try to treat me like an adult, but I think it's always difficult for a mother to acknowledge that your little baby's all grown up when they're still dependent on you for money..

Posted by: rubyelf (rubyelf)
Posted at: September 2nd, 2012 12:26 pm (UTC)

Finally being an adult and still having to live at home is rough. Unfortunately, working full-time and maintaining your own car and your own place while you go to college is pretty rough too. And mothers will be mothers... as long as you're under their roof, they're going to want to run the show.

Posted by: cliclir (cliclir)
Posted at: September 3rd, 2012 09:51 am (UTC)

True dat.. Looking back on my post now, I feel like this was my way of throwing a giant tantrum and being melodramatic. Still, I think the grant situation is a little bit strange on her part. Like, wanting the entire lot of it. It's just a bit strange and she won't negotiate. She's a little odd that way. But I digress, she's still my mother and I'm sure she feels she has a good reason too. Even if I do disagree with her, she's still my mum and I do love her. We just have to try work it out somehow.

Posted by: ehlwyen (ehlwyen)
Posted at: September 2nd, 2012 02:54 pm (UTC)

My parents would have never let me spend the night at my bf when I was your age. It's a parent thing. But, you are at least being an adult and telling her what you are doing. I mostly avoided the issue since we were both away at college and lied if it came up where I was. Not the healthiest thing for me nor am I suggesting that's what you do. Just pointing out that you are at least trying to be an adult and tell her what you are doing. As opposed to being a child and sneaking around.

About the money, I think you might want to tell her that you want to repay her for her help, but that you want to manage your own money. This is the perfect time for you to start while your mom can still help you financially. Create a written monthly budget for your expenses. Books, misc school expenses, gas, misc car repair, food (while at college), clothing, toiletries, repayment to your mum for car, repayment to your mum for whatever else(like paying for college or letting you live at home), and how much you plan to save for emergencies or in case you don't get a grant another year. Just list each thing separate and give it a reasonable value.

All of this is based on the assumption that this grant money does not have to be repaid to whoever is giving it. If so, I suggest saving every possible bit.

Also as far as the money talk, let your mum know how much you love her and appreciate her for everything that she has done, and want her in your life. Just that you need to be taking steps to being able to manage your own life. You don't think she would kick you out, right?

Posted by: cliclir (cliclir)
Posted at: September 3rd, 2012 10:12 am (UTC)

I think in truth she resents me staying at his. Even though like you said I do prefer to tell her if I'm hoping to. Except usually it turns into asking her more then telling her. I'm just wired to seek her permission and approval before doing most things for some reason :P

I've tried to negotiate with her and have told her (numerous times) that I want to repay her for everything she's done for me this year especially, but she'll have none of it. Her idea is just to take all the grant off me every month and that's my repaying her, even though Id have to ask her every time I wanted money for anything then because I'd have none myself. I like the idea of budgeting but I'd have to find out how much I should get in each grant installment first. I don't know, just her handling of this is irrational in my eyes. She should know I have no problem giving her some of it - during my part time job last year I'd happily give her anything up to half my wages if not more each week, without her ever asking (I know I'd only make like 75 a week, but anything up to 50 for her isn't bad out of that like).. It's just so frustrating, and she refuses to talk about it at all.

I've tried to assert the fact that I want to be able to be somewhat independent and look after myself for smaller things, but she doesn't see that. I don't think she would kick me out, because she's never mentioned it, but I wouldn't bank on it. Still though, I don't think she would anytime soon...

Posted by: agent_jl36 (agent_jl36)
Posted at: September 4th, 2012 01:55 am (UTC)

Has any arrangements been discussed beforehand? I would have a sit down and ask your mom to lay out exactly what she expects and you can lay out what you want/need. Hopefully you both can make some agreements and compromises and don't ask, TELL your mom that if there are any changes to these agreements, that they must be discussed first. Write it down like a lease agreement or something.

Whatever happens, I hope things go more smoothly!

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